Life Reset Button.

Good evening my dears!

 

It’s me again. Welcome back to another round of insanity in the Mad Mistress Mansion. Haha.

My blog design is kind of outdated, I think. I should move on to something new maybe.

 

Anyway, this post is mainly about my family. After spending yesterday’s evening at my grandma’s place for her 65th birthday I felt kind of sad and had some thoughts in my mind. Like… when I move away, I won’t see them as often anymore. Will they forgot about me?

So, here I’m going to talk about my family mainly.

First off, of course, there are my parents. I think I mentioned in a past post that I’ve always seen them as prince and princess, I don’t even know whether it’s on this blog or on the old one that went offline. Anyway, yeah. My mom is my best friend. I think that most girls can say that about their mother, unless they are in some serious shit since forever. I just can trust her with everything. She is a great person. She is very caring and if she was another person, this family would’ve been torn apart long ago.

My dad is a lot like me, that’s what people say at least. We often fight, about the tiniest things, too… I just don’t even know how we manage to. Of course, if it was really important, he would stand up for me. He always cared alot, but yeah… we fight a lot. There happened a lot of shits too, of course. I partially blame him for the situation I’m in now, too, but hey. He’s my dad.

Then let’s carry on with the nicer part of my family: My mother’s side.

My mom’s parents are great. Grandma is a caring and loving person (and she cooks aaawesome~), she is fun and pretty modern without being embarrassing, too. She is very interested in all the stuff I do, even the japanese shit. My.. great-cousins or whatever those two are are into it too, so she sometimes asks me about japanese artists and what a mango or what’s it called is. My grandma is awesome.

Grandpa is a child in mind. He’s a fun person, he always calls me “Mijn Jung”, which is pretty much “My boy” in lower German, and he calls me “Pucki”, what got a little story following it around. He is a very caring person, but he hides it very well. There isn’t much to say about him either. You just have to meet them.

My aunt is one of the prettiest persons I know. She is in her early thirties I think, but she looks like 20. On top of that, she is a very nice person, fun to be with, same with her husband. He’s the coolest. Rocker. Musician. Gamer. He’s perfect, haha.

I have two uncles. My uncle Udo is blind and handicapped. His mind is at the state of a 4 year old boy and he went blind because of the same disease I had three years ago. Time flies, I never realized it’s been 3 years already. Anyway… yeah. I love him. He is a great person. You have to learn to handle him, of course, but he is a great person anyway. He has a wide knowledge span because he listens to the radio all day, he just doesn’t know how to use it. (He’s the BOMB at Trivial Pursuit, though. You really can’t beat him.) When I was smaller I often was scared of him, or at least feel awkward. His eyes are different, one is a light teal, one is more… white. It’s pretty scary if you don’t know why. They also stare into different directions. His behaviour is special too… He is just special. A great person, but very special. I’d stand up for him any time.

My other uncle is a fun, relaxed person who likes to drink. (All of us like to have a good glass of some nice alcohol, actually.) He has serious problems with his back, but hey. Doesn’t stop him from tuning cars all day long. He does that alot with his three sons, my only cousins from the female family tree. Those three boys are Arno, Oliver and Gerrit. Arno must be around 20 by now, Oliver is a month younger than me (so 17 right now) and Gerrit is 12, I think. They are all pretty nice. Gerrit is a little focused on me and what I do, but that’s fine. I don’t see him too often. He often spends time with his friends when family visits are coming up.

That’s pretty much my mother’s family. Did I forget someone? No, I guess that’s all.

 

My father’s side is more… I don’t know. His parents don’t like my mother too much, they think she forced him into dogsports and all that. They think she isn’t the perfect wife either because she is working full time, too. And I’m just the daughter of that. I don’t really feel wanted there. They find something to be annoyed over everytime we meet them, sometimes they make stuff up just so they can call and complain in the end. For my 16th birthday I got a card with a “Best wishes for your XX birthday!”. The number, shown as “XX”, was cut out. Didn’t find a fitting one, what? When my grandma went on pension, the guy from the official thingy she had to go to asked her whether she had and grandchildren. She replied with: “2. Well, basically 3, but Lena is 15 already.” (I was 15 back then.) Things like that make you lose faith in them.

Apart from stuff like that, they are living the life of a weird old couple. Grandpa blames everything on Grandma, Grandma is cleaning the house all day and making everything so that Grandpa has it good and all that. Not that much to say about them.

My uncle Thomas is a cool person. He isn’t like his parents at all (My dad isn’t either). He sells mobile phones at a local electronic store and likes to party. He’s really laid back. Wish there were more people like him.

My aunt is a very.. weird person. She’s alot like grandma. Stays at home all day, taking care of the kids, doing the household, all that. Not much to say about her. Her husband is a cool guy. Fun to be with. You wouldn’t expect them to be married. Ever.

Mm, and then there are my two little cousins, Roman and Marvin. They are the little princes. They can have everything. They can do everything. They own the world. They have no manners and they don’t need them because they are the awesome sons of grandma’s daughter and not the daughter of that weird woman that bewitched her son and made him go weird. Yeah sure, grandma.

Well, yeah. You might notice I don’t like my dad’s family as much as my mom’s… Yeah.

That’s about it.

 

What else is new? I think I’m at a new downpoint right now. Today I felt like I’m so demotivated I’m already motivated again. I don’t know what this is, I don’t know how I feel. Don’t ask. I’m trying to get some shit rolling at the moment, but it’s all really slow. I’m scared of the future.

I want a Life Reset Button.

 

-Panda

This post doesn’t have a title.

Good evening, everyone.

 

I know, I’m fucking inactive here. I will try to change this. There were just always so many things that happened, everything added up once and once more and once again… I never knew where to start. Now, that the most important things are over and I can handle talking about them, I’m talking about them. One post for everything that happened. Beware, this might end in a wall of text.

 

First off, the most important change in my life would be the fact, that I broke up with Rio on the day after christmas, the  26th of December in 2011. Most of you knew that we were mainly having problems all day long. At some point everything just suffered more. I didn’t want to have sex, he got sad, mad, I don’t even know what he was. Seems like I didn’t know my own boyfriend after nine months! I just didn’t feel like it. I wanted hugs, kisses, no sex. He blamed me for it, asking me whether I didn’t find him attractive anymore… It’s wasn’t his fault, I just hoped that he was being honest and sure about his words when he told me sex wasn’t that important for him. It turned out to be very important.

That was the first important fight we had that week. (He was at my place during that time, over christmas. I was very happy to finally be able to introduce him to my family.) The mood was a little broken. I slept with him after that, but things weren’t quite the same, somehow. The family visits around christmas were no fun for him, but not for me either. It’s just… sitting around with family doing nothing for some hours. Listening to grandma talking about who died and who got sick, etc. He complained about it though, what hurt me. He endured it silently, but I felt like getting blamed for wanting to be a part of my family.

Then, suddenly, everything turned bad. We fought again and again. It was spiralling downwards. I didn’t share my bed with him anymore for the last few days. I was scared that I might break something if I did. Something else precious. I don’t even know. I feel as if I have to choose my words wisely too, tell specific things, not tell others. Anyway. In the end, we fought. He said: “I’m not mad at you if you break up. I can understand it.” Those words still are in my ears, ringing like an alarm bell. I shouldn’t have seen it as a beg to break up and everything would be fine now still. We would still fight every day, for sure, but at least I wouldn’t be sitting here, being scared of meeting new people. I’d still have someone I could wait for to come home everyday and tell him: “Welcome home! I missed you.” and “I love you!”. It feels lonely not being able to.

I still often dream of him. Even tonight I did. When I wake up it hurts. But hey, don’t tell him. He wouldn’t understand anyway.

After we broke up, everything seemed as if we could still be friends. He was very happy, as it seemed. I think he lied, but damn… it hurt me so much. He was acting as if we never were a couple, was having fun with his friends, playing games, everything was as if we never were together. I couldn’t handle. I was very jealous of everything. You know, I didn’t break up with him because I suddenly lost my feelings for him, but because I thought that one of us would break from that relationship if we carried it on. Especially after saying those words.

Then, he suddenly snapped. One day, my friends suddenly were talking to me, about things they couldn’t know, blamed me for stuff, many abandoned me without a word. I found out Rio had been adding them all day long, telling them all the stories about what happened, leaving out my tries to make it work, of course, told friends secrets. He even admitted that he was trying to screw me up… and I have to say, he nearly was able to. He nearly managed to do it. I honestly had the first of many painkillers unwrapped. From then on, we talked less and less, obviously. I tried to be a friend how him still, not more. In the end, I was the evil one. He said I’d steal his friends from him, I’d only hurt him, I’d be an egoistic thing. So better beware, guys.

Now he deleted me everywhere. I guess it’s better like this. He was mad at me for not telling him good bye though. But why should I bid a person farewell if I still want to talk to that person? Maybe I’m just a naive idiot.

 

So far with Rio.

Suddenly, my head feels surprisingly light. I won’t talk about all the other stuff that happened, but obviously Shade hates me, too. She posted some harrassing comments to my profile on Steam, but didn’t have the guts to talk to me directly. Well, way to go Shade. I’m not mad at you, just a little disappointed. I expected you to be more mature. Thanks for the nice time we had, if you still remember. I loved you, Shade. Be happy.

 

Okay, that’s done too, then. Want something good for once? I started an art tumblr (it was Rio’s idea, but he never really showed interest in it, so w/e.) where I dump some art, here and there. You can click this sentence if you want to get to it. 

 

Okay, enough advertisements. What have I been doing? I’ve been playing a lot of League, I met a ton of new people and I started drawing more, since the people encouraging me to are getting more and more. Oh, right. At this point, I want to thank all the people that helped me thorugh this time, that didn’t leave me alone and that listened to my part of the story before judging, if judging at all. You are the ones, that are still with me today and you are the ones that keep me alive. You are great.

 

My mental health is at a… weird level at the moment. I’m struggling between insanity and absolute calmness. Is calmness even a word? You know, what I mean. My normal health is at the same. I’m somewhat sick, yet somewhat healthy. My problems with insomnia are coming closer a little, but I guess it’ll be okay again soon. My stomach cramps a lot recently and I don’t think I have to mention the Diarrhe- Woops. Well, yeah. I don’t feel too good, but I’m alive. People would say, that’s what counts.

 

Oh, right. Remember I told you I dropped out of school? Yeah. I’m not planning on going back there. I’m still on leave, but I think of going for an apprenticeship. I think there are a few nice spots in Germany where I can just go and find something, still. If I have the balls. For the time being, though, I’m having a practical training with minijob. I can earn up to 400€ a month with writing medical letters. I’ve been doing this since the start of 2012 and soon I’ll be able to write all the xrays without having it corrected! I’m proud.

Oh, right. I think I mentioned some job wishes? Right now, I want to become a surgery assistant, you know, the person that darts around handing the doc stuff and calming the patients down before surgery and all that, or a vet nurse. Because animals. I just grew up with them. I’m very interested in both things! Seems like I finally grab a little hold of my life. This feels actually really great.
So, what now? I’m actually thinking I mentioned all the important stuff. Mmm. Damn. I was annoucing so much and now I’m done after 1.300 words, or what. This is nothing. (I basically should be working right now, but writing that blogpost is occupying my mind.)

I think, this is the most important stuff though. If I suddenly notice I missed something, I will just go and write another post. Okay? Okay. Now people, you can be happy. I posted something. All of you, my stalkers!

 

Love.

- Panda (I actually mostly use the names Shellan or Shekoro by now, but I think Pandaish is just Panda.)

A little bird told me…

Hello, everyone!

I’m truly sorry I didn’t post anything here for such a long time. I was just too occupied with being happy and spending time with Rio.

For the past two weeks, I was at his place, I think I mentioned it, haha. I rarely talk about anything else. It was a wonderful time. Of course, we had our ups and downs and fights, but I’m really happy I went there and saw him. We spent a lot of time together and had really fun times… and he is the best boyfriend this world could give me. Sometimes we don’t share the same opinion, but somehow we will always find a way out of our drama. I’m glad I have him, I’m glad he loves me and I will try to hold onto him as long as I can. He’s mine.

So, we played a lot of games together, mainly Dungeon Defenders (which is really fun, especially with friends), we watched stuff together and went out together a few times. We even went to a wolfpark! Apart from panads, wolves are my favourite animals. They are so majestic, so awesome… I love them. I just love them. Thanks for coming with me, Rio. I’m really glad I could spend that time with you.

I don’t even know what to say… I’m still overwhelmed, somehow. I came home yesterday. I wish I could’ve stayed longer. Spent more time with that wonderful person. He is so loving, so caring, so cute… I just love him. He might be a dick sometimes, but that’s perfectly fine as long as he loves me.

So, as you may have noticed, I’ve been watching some Mawaru Penguindrum lately. I really love that series. I usually don’t watch a lot of anime, but that one somehow got me. The character designs are awesome, the story is kind of mindfucking, yet awesome, it all fits. It even is funny. I like it.  Oh, and penguins are cool, too. Especially those. Hyu, hyu, hyuuu.

What else? I met some fun people on Steam who I’m talking to pretty much at the moment, especially two of them. Not gonna talk alot about that for now, but if it’s getting serious I will tell you for sure.

Sorry for all those “espacially” mistakes. I know it is “especially”, but I somehow always type an a instead of an e.

So, right now I’m waiting for Rio to come home, he should arrive soon… I’m excited. He will come see me this christmas, spending that time at my place. I’m really excited and happy. He told me he’d come.  (He just came online, woop, woop!)

Uhm, yeah. That’s about it. My mom said I looked as if I lost weight, but I don’t know.

I’m glad.

See you again in my next posts!

Things will change.

Good evening, everyone.

Did you miss me?

Normally, when I write stuff like that, I feel excited and I hope for feedback or for some… something that shows me that somebody missed me. Actually, I never get anything like that. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel excited now. Maybe it’s just the depression as well.

This week was like… the worst, yet the best week of the last months. I feel worse every day and I keep having a harder time handling my emotions. I often blast at Rio and Miro over random things. I cry for hours about small things. Well, for me, they are bigger than the himalaya, but everyone else thinks it’s just… nothing. Nothing important. I feel misunderstood more and more, same time I feel understood by other persons. I don’t know how to describe it, because I don’t even know what I feel right now. It’s like… everything at the same time, yet nothing at all. If you ever felt that way, then you know how I’ve felt the entire week. It’s only getting more and more every day and I don’t know where it comes from. Maybe it’s myself who is stressing me out, maybe it’s my family, maybe it’s Rio, I really don’t know.

I won’t blame anyone here.

It’s more like the opposite. Again, I apologize. This time, espacially to Miro. In the last few days, he has always been there when I needed someone to talk to. He wasn’t mad at me, he tried to understand me, he even tried to help Rio and me in a fight we had recently. I’m really grateful. Even if it’s not alot of time we spend together and even if I must be pissing you off horribly often… I consider you as something like my best friend. We can’t get along, but we somehow can’t… not get along? It’s weird. You said, that what we have can’t really be called a friendship, but else would you call it? I trust you. I don’t know you too well, because you rarely talk about yourself, but I trust you. I think, I know you enough to know, that I can trust you with everything. We are having harsh discussions from time to time, sometimes we don’t talk like… for a really long time, but we somehow always end up doing shit together again, and if it’s only to annoy the hell out of Rio.

We are really good with that.

And yeah, I know, that “you’d be my best friend if Rio wasn’t there”-spot is taken already, you don’t have to give that back… Just, please, let me believe in it. I see you as my anchor, somehow. And I want to be something like an anchor for you. I want to be useful to you, even if we aren’t quite the picture book example for friends. I see you as my best friend, no matter what you think of it.

Okay, now that we got that cleared… I was having a fun week with Rio. We spent a lot of time. Really, a lot. We were playing Dominion together every day when the beta was opened, we were talking for hours and hours, we even started solving some problems without major fights. Guess what Rio. I love you. I just can’t always show it. It’s getting harder for me to keep my emotions on the leash, but you always say I’m too emotional already. Sorry. I’m just having a really hard time. Please cope with it some more. I don’t want to lose you.

Kay, this isn’t going to be another post about how much I love him, don’t worry.~

The title of this post is the title of a song Miro chose for me on his blog. Check it out if you ever find the time. It’s actually pretty cool. You just need to spend enough time on it. Then you will find something for sure. Anyway, the song is Things Will Change by Echoes The Fall. Once you got used to it, it actually sounds pretty cool! There’s a cool part in the late 2nd third of it, starting arund 2:15. Pretty cool. Love it. Screaaaming.

I love aggressive music. It’s calming me down. Most people don’t share that, but it’s okay. I can cope with other people’s music. I’d just be glad if I could share my music from time to time. But I don’t dare.

Well, what else.

Upcoming tuesday, the 27th, I have an appointment with my psychologist. It’s a talk with me and my parents, because she thinks they put the largest pressure on me, espacially my father. I’m pretty scared actually, because he is a guy who can twist the words in your mouth just too well. He never sees things like I do… and he always knows everything better. I avoid him where I can, but sometimes I just have to talk to him. Like on tuesday.

I might be on leave from school until february. I have no idea what to do in that time. Sure, I’m supposed to clear my head, to reboot everything and to settle my thoughts… but it’s so hard. It takes so long. I’ve never had to fulfill such a difficult task in my life. I’m scared I might not be able to make it. I might have to take antidepressants or go into a clinic. Those are the things I’m scared most of.

I’m glad Rio supports me though, I’m glad Shade supports me and I’m glad Miro supports me – those three are like… the most important people in my life right now. I owe them everything. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I would still be here today. But they make that rest of something called a life worth living. I love you, guys. And you know how I mean it.

Anyway, I maybe should stop. Around 1000 words again, more than I wanted to write… Espacially when there didn’t happen that much stuff since my last post. I have no idea about my weight right now, by the way. Really, not even the faintest faint idea.

Thank you all for being with me, still, after all this shit.

Thank you.

Good night.

- Panda

Say what, Sherlock?

You, miss, have a medium heavy depression.

Say what. My psychologist is a Sherlock.

Oh, yeah. I finally went to see a psychologist. Yesterday, I asked mom whether I could stay away from school if I went to see our doctor for something. She asked me why I’d want to do so and I said that I couldn’t cope with the situation anymore, mentally. She told me that it’s okay to stay at home, but that she’d have to talk to dad about it still. I fell asleep the moment she left my room.

Next time I woke up, I was still in Teamspeak, they told me it was nearly 11am. I turned around again, because I felt so exhausted from doing nothing, from sleeping only, before I got up to play some games so I’d stay awake. Some hours later, dad called me downstairs, so I’d get up at all that day. He told me, that I had an appointment with a psychologist the next day around noon, mom would go there with me. Seems like dad called our doctor and asked him what to do.

At this point, I think I gotta thank everyone who stayed with me all that time. I feel as if I made a big first step today, even though it was nothing great. Espacially Rio, of course, and Shade, who always pushed me further into this direction. But as well everyone else, who encouraged me about it, who told me it wasn’t so bad to go see a psychologist. Thanks. I really needed that. I’m glad I have friends like you. Thank you.

Anway, I was there with mom, what I was afraid most of, going in there with my mother. Because, I mean.. I didn’t want her to be shocked. In fact, she wasn’t shocked that much, even when I said that I was skipping school regularly without them knowing. We talked about my fear of going to school, we talked about what I wanted and what are possibilities to go. I have another appointment tomorrow, when we will try to reorganize my daily life. Because like this, it’s not going to lead anywhere. I hope this will work out without me having to take antidepressants or having to go into a clinic.

Anyway… next point will be that I’m moving forward with my losing weight. I lost 9.25 pounds in the last five days, which is a good start already. I still have a long way to go but it’s a start. I’m… fine with it.

Oh, I’m suspended from school for the next two weeks, so I can try to relax from it. So that I don’t have to think about how I can avoid it everyday and so I can try to sort my thoughts.

I really hope it’s going to work out, because I’m really scared of how it will end if I don’t do something. I really need that help. I hope, it’s all going to be fine.

Somehow, I feel as if I want to entrust that hope to someone else, so I can not lose it again.

See you again later… Sorry that this is so short. I just don’t have alot to say right now, as my mind is still troubled. I will try to keep you up to date. Love!

- Panda

Goals are set!

Ready, set, go!

Herewith, I set an official goal for me. By the gamescom 2012 in Cologne (which I will attend with my boyfriend and some friends, I guess) I will have lost 20 to 30 kilogram, which means 44 to 66 pounds. As I am pretty tall with 178cm / 5,83 feet, I can’t tell how I will look once I lost the first 15 to 20 kilogram, so I will have to decide later, how far I will have to go down.

Now, why do I do this? What goal do I have?

In fact, I want to do a cosplay at the gamescom 2012, which is making me excited now already. It’s going to be a League of Legends character with skin, as I already told you before, but I wasn’t sure which one to take. This morning, when my mom was hanging around in the room (I have such a nice chair and the best view in the house, so she sometimes comes upstairs to talk. I know it seems weird, but it’s fine. She’s not only my mom, but as well one of my best friends. That’s something only girls with a good relation to their mothers would understand, I guess) I showed her the choices for my cosplay, as I already told her before, that I wanted to do it for the gamescom. Surprisingly, she didn’t make any weird comments – I appreciate that very much. Normally she’s a little harsh with my online activity. I showed her pictures of the characters that I thought of and her favourite was Bloodmoon Akali, which would be this awesome lady, for those who aren’t into League of Legends that much.

Not only that she looks awesome, she as well is an awesome champion which is never to be underestimated.

Of course, like how it’s always with League of Legends, there’s a story to the skin. As she has the island nation Ionia (Yay, Ionia! Ionia shall prevail!) as her probable birthplace and is, along with Shen and Kennen, part of the triumvirate of the Kinkou Order, she of course takes place in local events. Every year, the Festival of Fire is held in the Serene Gardens, as a sign of the Ionian culture, celebrating the cleansing and rebirth of the spirit. Ionians from all provinces gather at Serene Gardens and celebrate it, they get treated to musical and theatric performances which pertain to Ionian history and legends.

That year, the headliners were Shen and Akali (Akalii!! Squee~) who performed the Tale of Reina, a legend of Ionia. I love it. It’s about an Ionian warrior called Reina. She is haunted by a ghost that torments her everytime he finds her, so she keeps running away from it. That ghost, which Shen acts as, wears a frightening mask. So one day, Reina dons a mask herself and turns around to fight the ghost. He never comes back though, because he is frightened by her strength.

At that event, Akali was dressed in Ionian red and white battle garb and wore that mask. She and Shen share the Bloodmoon skins.

Does it sound stupid if I say, that that Reina is my idol? I mean, it’s a legend of a fictional game world… But duh. I see Akali as Reina. I love Akali. I love Ionia. I love Reina. I love League of Legends. Sorry if you think I’m weird now… But I can’t help it.

I’m going to cosplay her, though. Anyone up to do a Shen with me?~ I wouldn’t say no to a partner cosplayer. Anyooone? Come on.

I just noticed that this is the first post I ever added images to. I just couldn’t help but to share her awesomeness. I think I might write about Riven as well, once she’s out. I don’t like her classic skin too much, at least the artwork. Ingame looks… okay. Maybe one of her skins is like super epic, I will definetly write about her then. Rio said he’d get her and then try to stream a game for me. I can’t wait for it! And I can’t wait for Dominion!

If you ever feel lonely, I’m always tweeting, currently. Or tumblring. The links are in the last post, and I got the twitter widget for wordpress so you can always follow what I’m doing.

See you later, anyway!

- Panda

Repetations.

Herro, dear people who follow this blog!

This is the first time, that I’m not writing a blog freely from what I think, but did a draft before. I’m sitting in school, I might be skipping some classes right now, I don’teven know. Music, I guess. Won’t save the week if I go there for those two lessons. School isn’t my best friend at all. I’m scared and there’s huge pressure on my shoulders from my parents side. It’s making me sick again. More sick than usual. I’m not healthy to begin with, but if you ever spent some days with me, you might have noticed. Actually, right now my life feels pretty hollow and hurts.

There are three little lights, but they are so far away, only one is just out of my range. Rio’s just living far away and we don’t have the little picture book relationship. Basically, sometimes I even think “Is this a relationship at all?” But then I notice that he’s there for me if it’s really needed, most cases at least. I notice the warm feeling he gives me and I think of all the precious moments we spent. For a moment, I forget all the stress, all the pain and loneliness. Sure, I bet there are better boyfriends: better in a way of how much time is spent together and Rio sometimes tells me to get someone better like that. He just doesn’t understand that I love him even if we fight and even if I complain ad say that I’m not sure about everything and when I tell him it might be better for him to break up with me when we had a fight again and he said something mean. Maybe it’s my fault as well, for not showing it enough.

Sorry, if the Rio excursions are annoying you; just be glad that I don’t go into detail. Just let me state this once again.

Pascal, I love you. You did mistakes, but I did mistakes as well. Your sins shall be forgiven, haha. But really. I actually don’t mind you being a dick with the head in the clouds and busy with games. I just mind it when it gets too much. And you don’t notice that point. That’s what hurts me and what gets us into fights. It’s not only your fault, I’m to blame as well. I don’t make things too clear. That’s hard for you. But I have a hard time forcing you into things you don’t want to do, things that are just not you, so I complain.

But really. I love you.

You are the most important person to me.

Excursion ended, I guess! Thanks for your patience! Only one thing (here I go again… already) left. From the 15th october on, I won’t be home for at least over a week. Staying at Rio’s place. (My mom knows about us and even pays me the trip! Yay!) I will have my laptop with me, but I don’t know if I will find the words to express myself then. In the meantime and whenever you want to talk (I might seem a little awkward in the beginning, but I actually can be normal), just add me on Skype (gloriousprincess), Steam (shiroikokoro), tweet me on Twitter, ask me on Tumblr or be oldschool and send me an e-mail to lena.feldmann@live.de. It’s everything I’m ever checking and online to.

Munch, munch.

Eating dutch waffle-cookies-thingies at the moment, called Stroopwafels. It’s like… two think waffles and in between a sticky mixture of butter, sugar, syrup and all that stuff that’s not quite healthy. They taste good, though.

What else is new…

Oh, right. I got to know that guy recently, he calls himself Mayushii. He plays games, drums and the piano, even composes own pianostuff and records it. He made one for me, which is pure awesomeness! It’s sad, yet has a lovely, sweet melody… I’d love to share with you, but it’s mine. Duh! And I don’t know what he’d think about it. I’m really proud of being important enough to get my own song! It’s awesome. Thanks again, Mayushii!

I wanted to tell something, but lost my focus just now. I’d go home earlier as well, but the first bus is coming after 4th period, so no chance there. I gotta wait.

When I get reborn, I wanna be a panda. Or a kitten. But pandas are black and white, so they are pretty much cooler. But kittens are cute… anyway, I would sit in my jungle all day and just eat bamboo.

Yum.~

When I order food, I mostly get something from the chinese guy, and always something with bamboo. Is that weird?

Recently, I’ve been playing a lot of Grand Chase. Yeah, that Grand Chase that Rio’s been into. I’m mainly playing alone but I was able to make two of my friends download it. Just gotta wait for a good moment to play with them. If anyone wants to play it with me, please message me! Same with League of Legends. I hate solo queueing (is that written right?), but I can only rarely make someone play with me. Yesterday, Rio played with me! That was a highlight for me, even though I raged and was annoyed by how he was explaining me the basics of the game over and over, but I actually loved playing with him. Sorry for being such a bitch, honey! I never man to be like that, it was just my mood yesterday. Please, let us play togehter again!

And if anyone cares to play with me, add me on NA: Shellan or EU West: Synphoniya. If you add EU, please message me though, as I only login there when someone’s asking me for a game.

I can’t wait for Dominion, though! I alkready made a deal with some guy from tumblr, that if Dominion comes out we will take the first chance we have to play togeher. I noticed how much of an Ionian fangirl child I am, by the way. I mean, my mains are Soraka, Sona, Karma and Janna. Three of four are Ionian. Also I used to play alot with irealia, Ionian child no. 4.

Ionia shall prevail!

Please, play League of Legends with me, yeah?

Ugh, it’s so warm right now. Think I’ll get on the computer in a few. Got to get this online. At home, I won’t find the time. At home, I can’t relax at all. Yesterday, I stayed sick in  bed with fever. I played Grand Chase for like an hour (before you guys ask, I have a laptop), then I went to watch anime, something I never do. And out of some weird mood, I watched K-ON!, which I never wanted to see at all. I finished the entire first season on that day, played a round of League with Mirodir, then with Rio and in the meantime I took some selftests on the Internet about whether I have the burnout syndrome or not.

Seems like I do, though.

Everyone’s telling me to go see a psychologist or a therapist, but I can’t stand up on my own. Can’t anyone help me without me having to leave the house alone? I don’t want my parents to know either and I’m scared of might having to go to one of those mental stuff clinics. I don’t wanna.

Can anyone help me, please?

- Panda

I’m back again!

Hey there, everyone.

What’s up with you guys?

Long time no see, after all.

I still owe you a post over what happened when I was at Rio’s place, right? Remember? He and me are still a couple. I posted something short when he was taking a shower and well, that’s how it was so far. Gonna talk about that later, when I got rid of my frustration.

Frustration. Or anger? I’m not even sure what I feel right now. When I came home from Rio’s place, my blog was still there. It was all fine and good, all great, and then, suddenly… Error establishing a database connection. Okay. Fine. Maybe the hoster’s having problems again. Wouldn’t surprise me, nothing new to my ears. And so I waited. A few days, I guess. Nothing changed. Error establishing a database connection. I asked some people, whether they could access to my blog, they couldn’t. Hope was still there. Maybe it’ll come back up soon…

Or maybe not. And, as you may have noticed because of the fact, that I use this blog now, it didn’t. I waited over a month for nothing.

Well then, I created that blog here on wordpress, hoping I could import my old comments and the whole stuff from my old blog, because I could still access the SQL-stuff, exported the old stuff… and failed with importing. Anyone understands that? I’m no technical genius. I really ain’t. So, if anyone reads this and anyone can explain it to me (boohoo, I’m so stupid…), please contact me. I feel so lost without my old entries. Some of you might think, that it’s nothing big, losing some words that were written, some comments… But I really clung to those. Those were my real feelings, shaped into words. And now, they are just gone. Lost, somehow. Looking at that .sql file on my desktop makes me think of my computer as a grave. Brr…

Anyway. Maybe I should see this as a new start. I posted about a lot of depressing stuff in my old blog, it wasn’t really fun. I cried bitter tears over nearly every entry, even though you guys might not have noticed while reading it. Or even if you guys might have thought, that I was exaggerating. Maybe I was. I often do so. But it really meant a lot to me, sharing this with the world. My life hasn’t been extraordinary, especially bad or whatever. I had a “nice” childhood after all. I wasn’t beaten or something. My family is still intact. I should be glad and not cry about spilt milk. But well… I don’t know. We will see how things evolve.

I won’t go and do a “Hello, my name’s Lena and I’m a little insane!”-post again, just so you guys know. Maybe I will sometimes mention some things again, for people who might haven’t followed my blog up until now. Just so that they’ve got the background information.

Enough of that, though. I owe you the information on how it was with Rio.

Three words.

It was awesome.

Another three words:

I love him.

After that week, I really knew, that it was no fault bearing all those burdens, giving up quite some stuff, fighting many fights, for hours, weeks, months. It sometimes was really hard with him and it still is, but once I am with him, I truly know that it’s all worth it. Everything that happens, all the shit that’s happening all the time, it’s worth every single moment that I can spend with him, not only online, but as well in the real life. He is really gentle and caring, even though that his head is in the clouds. And even though he is a little smaller than me, it’s of no importance even though I was kind of scared that we’d look weird together.

He doesn’t look like I thought he did, though. That’s not bad! I thought he would have a weird face, because he is always looking a bit… weird on photos. But he is really cute, even though he wears a beard. That’s fine. It’s just Rio. If it wasn’t Rio, I don’t think I’d be that fine with it. (I was actually scared it would prick my skin if I hugged him or if I kissed him, but it was actually pretty soft. When I hugged dad as a little girl, his beard always pricked my skin.) And well… He is the bomb. Others might think he’d be weird or not that pretty or whatever… but he’s indeed hot for me. You know what I mean. Hrhr. He’s hot. I love him. He’s fun to be with, and I love him. Did I mention I love him already? :3

Well, I don’t even know what to say. I just know, that while I’m with him, I feel really pretty. After that shower after which I did dthat 5 lines of a post, I looked into the mirror and was like… Oh, hai, nice to meet you. Who are you? It felt so different looking at myself. It was as if my Face had a totally different shape, as if my eyes were of a pretty color suddenly and just everything was so fine. I felt so pretty. He makes me feel pretty. I love him.

Let’s cut this out, it’s getting way too lovey-dovey. Aaah!! I love him.

Next topic would be the gamescom 2011 in Cologne. I went there with my best friend and a friend of his about who I got to know that I know him over three edges. How small the world is, huh? We departed from Aurich (my hometown) at 6 in the morning, heading to Cologne. The whole tour was fine, there were some dorks filming us while they were driving, we got stuck in a traffic jam, turned on the music and they were being dorks with their guitar hero guitars, hanging out of the window and all that. It was fun. We were laughing a lot. It was really fun.~ At the gamescom (after we went to the Music Store and had lunch at McDonald’s and some problems with taxi services), I met Tobi. It was so great to see him again! I collapsed two times on saturday. Then we went to the hotel, I saw the dome in Cologne (it’s so impressive!!) and then we went for a looong walk. I tell you, I couldn’t wait to sit. At every possible place, I sat down, like when they were looking for the way and everything. We wanted to go see a movie, but I didn’t have enough money, so we went to the Hard Rock Café Cologne, had a drink and went to sleep. Next day began early, we were one of the first ones to hit the entrance hall, few minutes after they had to close the doors because there were just too many people inside already. Deniz (my best friend) went straight to Skyrim, I went straight to the Riot Games booth to try and grab a t-shirt, but in the end I only got a Alienware shirt for registering somewhere. It’s gonna be Rio’s. Then I collapsed while trying to get a League of Legends – Dominion shirt for Rio, which was supposed to become his. Deniz made me give up tho. Then we nearly immediately went home. That was the gamescom.

It was warm.

Well… My health is getting worse. I had a colonoscopy this morning and my doc said, it’s all because I’m fat. Great.

I’m going to go shopping with my mom tomorrow, I need some new pants, as the old ones took their last breath during the gamescom.

I’m currently planning a cosplay with Paddy. I already told him, if he cosplays a League of Legends char together with me sometime, then I will even do everything for his stupid cos. Just so I don’t have to do it alone. That’s why I need to lose weight as well. Next gamescom I’m gonna cosplay a character from the League of Legends, I’m not sure which one yet, but I already have some favourites.

During the autumn holidays, I will go and see Rio again. My mom knows about us now and she’s kind of happy with it. At least she’s okay with it.~ I’m glad.

Well then, see you later!

- Panda

P.S.: In the meantime, you can check out my Twitter and my Tumblr!